Shame, Heartbreak and Broken

Where’d she go!?
    choking on my heart
Frantic to remove it
 Where’s that knife?
Wait…
    I believe it’s still in my back

NO RELIEF!!!

….. guilt trips
     Woes me!?…..
          NO!!
       I only blame me, same as you
   Rest easy princess
Still punishing myself
Take solace in my devastation
    Your help isn’t needed
   ……do you hate me so?
 did all the love dissolve away?
      leaving only a spiteful residue
    Though it seems you forgot
         Loyalty
     pain
        ME…..
If change was with ease
   I wouldn’t have lost my All
    I can’t help who I am
    I tried for you….
I failed.         
……   you gotta set me free


Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

Echos of Past Sin

​Second hand experiences

  part time leader….

Echos of past sins

  Intensifies with each bounce 

  A blink…..their gone

Eternity in a moment 

…..so many moments

  Wondering 

     Worrying 

         Helpless 

…..reduced to a by standard 

   the love…..

The beauty replaced with pain

      And so the wheels spin

Spinning, spinning, spinning. 

  Intensification with each reverberation

   then a flash…

Echos cease

   Love abounds

        …….Love 

more than words could muster

    A moment captured 

         Treasured

Refusal to blink 

     Don’t blink!

It can’t end!

   then…. 

 Like a flash 

All too familiar tunnels

      Fears

         Aches of the soul

Echos…… constantly reminding

      Love…. forever driving

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

   

Lost Love

Where’d she go?

Choking on my heart

           would cut it out

Hand me the knife…..

              ….Wait

I believe it’s still in my back

 guilt trips

Woes me

                 Fuck you

I only blame me

    same as you

Rest easy

         Don’t trip

     Still punishing myself

Don’t need your help

Seriously…..

Why do you hate me so?

did all the love dissolve away ?

Producing a spiteful residue

   If you recall

Though it seems you forgot

      Loyalty

          Love

         pain

           …….ME

If change was with ease

…..I  wouldn’t have lost my one

I can’t help who I am

    I tried for you

I failed.

……   you gotta set me free

 

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

What Happened

Last call
     Heard from the virgin ears of a lush.    
           Tomorrow
   Somehow became today
            what happened?
         Defecation
    on your dreams
       your life
         your goddamn soul
   what happened?
      fuck poetic phrases
          I blew it
   …..now I wallow
        Not in pity
          In hate
            Self despair
        it’s tough, no fronting
    pointing the finger
… it’s always a suicidal finger
     at least…..
           at least
   I punish myself
I blew it
     …all of it

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

He is in the Pain, Shouting He loves Us

I said goodbye to my kids yet again recently. After saying all I could say, after about a million hugs and kisses I closed the car door and watched them drive away. As I was watching them leave, all of their little hands popped up in the rear window, waving goodbye to me.

It’s a scene that is way too familiar to me.  The heartbreak of knowing that my kids are going away…and there is absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Countless what if’s swirling in my head, consuming my thoughts. The pain, the fear and sadness… I simply cannot put it into words.

As soon as they were out of sight I went inside, straight into the bathroom and began to cry. As I am sitting there a lyric started in my head that I still can’t get out, and it goes like this,

“My Master told a parable once, that we should pray and not lose heart. When we face the corruption of life,  He says come boldly, and trust Me.”

I kept repeating it over and over again, “Come boldly, and trust Me.” As I’m  singing this lyric over and over again I suddenly stop… I recognized something within myself. A feeling that had no place in that moment of pain, and sorrow…. a feeling of excitement.

I almost didn’t recognize it because of all of the hurt.  As I focused on this feeling lingering beneath the surface I felt the Spirit’s comfort as I realized…. He is going to do something with this.

It wasn’t a pep talk I was giving myself, reminding me to trust Him. It was more of a proclamation, a definite fact being told to me.

And in that moment I felt honored to be the one going through this. I felt humbled that my pain is going to bring about something amazing. It’s a slippery truth to hold onto because I have no idea what He is working on. It could be a blessing for my kids…. for me, or simply others will gain hope because they will see God coming through for me with all of this going on…. and I get to be a part of it.

..by no means am I saying that I am without fear…. I am not saying that this revealed knowledge squelched my pain and now I am great…. because I am not.
What I am saying is, I asked God to use me…. now He is. The question I have to ask myself is, is He going to drag me kicking and screaming or will I stand up and walk with Him, resting in the truth that He is good, always.

Never lose heart people, He is trustworthy

Justin Ludwig

Consumed

Consumed

Origin of current misery
        Ignorance
Fueled by youth
         curiosity commences
       Enticing  experimentation
Gradual escalation
      Simply dismissed
  Daily procrastination
      Sudden loss of control
             repercussions
               —-
Self isolation and mutilation
  Unimaginable  decimation
       aware yet powerless
       Solution
grasp or release – Dwell or accept
            change or die

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

:Nothing Unanswered

Nothing Unanswered

        hurts to breathe

to move is worse

             like a victim of a curse

all alone

no way out

            fuck it all I want to die

Problem is my kids would cry

then ask mommy why did daddy die

He was sick, she would sigh

That’s the reason I can’t die

 Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14