My time-line doesn’t matter
Recollected flashes
Moments magnified by the entirety
Minimized by the moments
Juvenile jests made clear
FEAR
nothing more
Simplicity complicates Simplicity
to me
You?
don’t know
Suddenly awake
Aware of internal animosity
At me
….always me
Most would disagee
Outward appearance
a fiscade
So cleverly orchestrated
i was my lie
To cope
Sincerely believed
Truth shattered lies
Lies diluted perception of truth
No more
Or…..
If you understand, I am sorry for your struggle. You are not alone.
Today I forgot something I remembered.
I recognized a familiar unidentifiable smell that wasn’t there. How can I know that it wasn’t there? Because it is always there in those moments. Random yet countless circumstances, locations, mindsets, substances, no substances, you name it.
A smell in the back of my throat just shy of a taste, ushering in internal anarchy manifested by all consuming terror. A realization, a memory perhaps…In 20 plus years always the same, never identified. Just on the outskirts of my vision. This looming, thing is revealed for a jiffy…to fast to comprehend
Then, absolute horror of literally everything and absolutely nothing at exactly the same time…the silence literally screams.
Nowhere to run, nothing to run from. Completely consumed by a tornado, simply hanging on….then
Silence, stillness, only breath
Why!?
Seeking that which cannot be found
Numbed to feel
Unintentionally ignorant Exploits of youth dominating my course
Solitude came
Ironic…expected
Always Seeking
Neverending
What I blindly sought til the seeking became what I sought
Screaming silence
noone
tomorrow’s problems seemingly suddenly yesterday’s scars
What happened….
me
What do you do when what you want isn’t what you want
Where do you go when you’ve reached your destination only to find yourself somehow more lost than ever
Turned around
Stumbling through
Doubting the doubts of doubts
Patterns of a life repeat til now
feared greater than any nightmare
Most are their heros
Others, their own villain
A monster between it all
Between each thought
Every feeling & action
Plotting & widdling against….against me
Vigilance til over thought floods
Fighting the invisible
the patterns
the unknown within thar manifests emptiness
Written by: Justin Ludwig 03/11/22
The leaves
There is a thin line between love and hate….
Love consumes, so does hate
hate festers
Love does also
They both birth joy, fear, hope, safety and protection…..rage.
…..what is the line?
If the mind distorted by hate sees an action as best for the other, then where is the line?
People like me tend to hurt the ones they love, so it isn’t a matter of caring….
What’s the line?
I bet each answer would be different.
I used to believe self sacrifice was the deciding factor…but I’d give my life to take the life of one I hated.
There is a word……a hybrid word that I feel is the only real answer…..passion.
The real question is, what is your passion and why? If we seek that question, perhaps then we will discover the line that is too thin to truly understand alone.
Be blessed and love well my friends
I’ll never forget the first time I fell and couldn’t rise…
Never before had I forced myself to stand
It hurt the same
Different
how
Drive
an urgency to stop
End!!!!
But my heart
no
It wasn’t mine
then….
Who?
Sometimes I feel like I may disappear….
Lost in the shuffle of the same papers since the fall
Accumulation…..
gain and accomplishment
again and again
Lost like a whisper in the wind
Hypothetical memories torn and tattered
Like the faded memories on life support in a wallet
Love…..
It carries forward
A force that cannot be contained
by the tangible or even the rational
…..it the darkness we cry
In the darkness it screams
Love never fails
Written by: Justin Ludwig
The darkness shouts at me
do you remember?
….you remember
Tick tick tick
Another day without you
Another day done
It’s maddening
Time clicks and everyone adjusts
……but i don’t
Covered by grace
This stays raw
it’s renewed at every click
… I don’t know how to stop it
Perhaps I don’t want to
they are mine
I am theirs
tick tick tick
I remember in the silence
Written by: Justin Ludwig
Where’d she go!?
choking on my heart
Frantic to remove it
Where’s that knife?
Wait…
I believe it’s still in my back
NO RELIEF!!!
….. guilt trips
Woes me!?…..
NO!!
I only blame me, same as you
Rest easy princess
Still punishing myself
Take solace in my devastation
Your help isn’t needed
……do you hate me so?
did all the love dissolve away?
leaving only a spiteful residue
Though it seems you forgot
Loyalty
pain
ME…..
If change was with ease
I wouldn’t have lost my All
I can’t help who I am
I tried for you….
I failed.
…… you gotta set me free
Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012
The conflict of what could have been
Many landmines missed
many precious moments too
So much anger
So much love
…..what could have been
the picture perfect idea tattered and faded
Distant but always with me
It’s not her I miss, it’s the idea
It’s not the idea I miss, It’s them
An outsider in every circle
I….
….what could have been
this isn’t how it’s supposed to be
this is how it had to be
It breaks my heart
yet I am blessed
Written by: Justin Ludwig
A pressure in my chest
…the silence
It’s what gets me the most
As I blink it all shifts
Hopelessness and dread take form
….”this is forever”
To be aware of the lie but under it’s spell can be trying
Choose to trust…..just because
Written by: Justin Ludwig
Anticipation, anxiety, excitement
A whirlwind, so fast
….so slow
It’s not like it was
how could it be
Love overflowing
Roaring like a river
Rocks of insecurity, regret and hurt cut the flow
…..the precious moments sting
They are priceless through
In the blink of an eye
Silence, distance…..waiting
The love will always grow
Written by: Justin Ludwig
Awakened by my thoughts
Thoughts of what’s in store
Do they miss me
Do they want me
…..I can’t wait to hold them
So much to say…
Ends up in babble
So much love…..
My thoughts keep me awake
Do they know
…..I do
It’s the little things
A quarter in this time is significant
…..do they know I long for them
Hours until I see them
….. I am afraid
Afraid of them not knowing
Written by: Justin Ludwig
…….selfish
Consumed by a lifestyle obsession
Destroyed my heart
Suddenly
Morbid thoughts take hold
Futile escaping the pain
Indescribable aching of the soul
Freedom
sorely needed
Unlikely
Aware previously
but blinded
Contradictions
Desperate to forget
Unwilling
Move on!
Impossible…..
Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Second hand experiences
part time leader….
Echos of past sins
Intensifies with each bounce
A blink…..their gone
Eternity in a moment
…..so many moments
Wondering
Worrying
Helpless
…..reduced to a by standard
the love…..
The beauty replaced with pain
And so the wheels spin
Spinning, spinning, spinning.
Intensification with each reverberation
then a flash…
Echos cease
Love abounds
…….Love
more than words could muster
A moment captured
Treasured
Refusal to blink
Don’t blink!
It can’t end!
then….
Like a flash
All too familiar tunnels
Fears
Aches of the soul
Echos…… constantly reminding
Love…. forever driving
Written by: Justin Ludwig
Drowning in a sea of faces
Breathing
suffocating
Merely surviving
…… to what end!?
one of a billion helpless souls
breath, fear, doomed
Resides
…….festers to the final breath
in the silence I welcome the end
My eyes close…..
they open facing an angel
a million questions
She smiled
all answered….
My savior
A million more…..
…those can wait
for I feel
Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012 (Mel Inspiration #2B)
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Typical opening
Laughing
running
……doubt
Typical to the extent of understanding
typical, becomes branded
Transformed
Standard to a thumb
Impressed on my character
Toeing the line
….a flash
The dot suddenly in the distance
Freedom to function
Functionally dismantling
Deafening silence…. obstructing the Truth
Deeper deeper deeper
Like gazelles
Once so free
Rejoicing in ignorance
Basking in the illusion
one by one
they fell…..
Blood stained reality
Invisible to the sheltered
…horrors spoken
Experienced promise
Monsters
…..the whispers
If you have the ears, you know
Bedrock descends
deeper…… deeper
Weight is shed
….it’s so cold
Starving on only half the story
Condemned
Helpless
Lost
Alone
Confused
Desperate!!!
Acceptance…..
deeper and deeper
the chasm has no end
Falling falling falling
the depths….
Where deep meets deep
Sinking
how far down will I fall
Down down down
….. Suddenly
Without recognition
Down became up!
I don’t understand…..!
What!?
Why!?
Me!?
Faster I fall
Falling higher
Higher and higher
Blinding light
Fueling my ascent
Risen from the ashes
by grace alone
Written by: Justin Ludwig
Closest comparison
memories from my past
Youth nostalgia
friction giving birth
Aware or not
Reaction unseen
But undeniably felt
Unexpected only once
It’s power never diminished
superficially a graze
A slightest touch
Creating it
…..it
futility but infinitely
searching for the words
Those searching
never find
The search a waste
A true waste
I’m overrun by it
……so fragile
so amazing
Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012 (Mel Inspired)
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
At the feet of our Hero, we try hard to learn….. But the lessons are lost sometimes….. because we aren’t perfect……. but we’re blessed to know. Know that You are our Savior….. One I don’t deserve.
I will always follow…. for where else shall I go. You are my Hero…… for You, my heart burns.
Written by: Justin Ludwig
What do I do
What do I do?
What!
Frantic conflict
Peaceful…… fear
Terrified, but with hope
Letting go …..
I have to do something!
……”wait”
Waiting
Accomplished only by the determined
Attacks
Lies and pain
Ensured so endured
Truest test of faith
…..waiting
From my core …. I believe
…. but he pain does not subside
What do I do!
Trust
I do, but……..
Written by: Justin Ludwig
Time is just slipping away….
Slipping….
Already gone
In their beds…..where the rain falls often
Far far away……
…they grow
To my core I weep
I have my hope, but lost my heart
I weep….
Shadows of past sins
Some never leave
Lessons of vigilance constant
Always there
Pain…… sorrow
I weep
Sadness over the loss of the present
Far far away
Do they know my heart……
I hope they know
Written by: Justin Ludwig
Brokenness is beautiful
Inspires hope
An embedded reluctance within
hiding the weakness in fear
dare I expose my truth?
….”no!”
…”strength”!
Compulsions emerge
Masks
Confidence
Smiles…..
whitewashed leaders taking point
facades of perfection
Incarcerated in secret walls of shame and sin.
Brokenness is leadership
Vulnerability
Everyone is broken…..all alone
……..They must know!
We are one
……. we struggle
Humility, vulnerability, brokeness
Righteousness, aside from Christ, does not give hope, brokenness does.
“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong”2 Cor 12: 9-11
“Whenever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. “Ps 28:13
“It is better to be humble in Spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud.” -Ps. 16:19
“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.”Ps34:18
God desired authenticity, not an illusion of righteousness. No matter what your head tells you, it is OK to hurt, it is okay to doubt, and it’s impossible not to fail. Share your trials and shortcomings with enthusiasm and I promise the authenticity of your heart will speak volumes more than playing it off like we got it all together or having all the perfect answers.
Keep your witnessing genuine and your love overflowing and watch the Spirit work! This right here is how we can make a difference in this broken world.
Written by: Justin Ludwig
Greatest Enemy
oneself
sickening irony
Its one in the same
the problem
the solution
infuriating cycle
Halt the cycle!
Reality, what is it
Unbelievably painful
Life’s Deal
Futile winning
…… simply procrastinating
Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Begin journey
an eternity ago
fixed on a destination
the only oasis
years I traveled
fixed on a point
this point I saw
Every night as slept
As I dreamt
I felt mad
…….for it dreamed of me
it was my purpose
To stand in my dream
Basking in it with my waking eyes
so I trudged on
then night came
I lost my way
unaware how
Faith, dreams Drive
Unchanged
So I continued
on and on… confused, So long the dream began to change
…… gone
til it’s not
Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Unexplainable bond
Shared by few
Fortunately
Appreciated presently
Skeptical Still
Bond or blood
A strong will
Suffers undeservingly
Wrong or right
Alone I’m not
Proven failure
Repetition ensues
Seeing what is yet unseen
Faith
Support
Forgiveness
Deserved?
…. Not a chance
Yet…..
Remarkably
Previously seen in solitude
Emerges for some….yet
Must be understood
Support’s the key
I hold the key I once shunned
A lone drive
Long awaited hope
Awakens in the depths
Differing for all
Personally
Abandonment of ignorance
Construction been underway
To fill the void
Myself
…..Unimportant
Support never ending
Awoke a dormant urge
A sudden awakening
Waste
No more
Tomorrow is lost
Voyage commences instantly
Bottom line
Those never halting
Inspire something
Unfamiliar situation
Alone I’m not
Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
open uncertainty
coarse
direction?
quite the contrary
simple outcome
what!?
bowing to my demons
……they’re lurking
stagnant and many
thirsting, craving, lusting
Famished for pain
Chaos
Self inflicted annihalation
…no reasoning
motives unclear
delving into the abyss
shall I emerge victorious?
…..I am uncertain
Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Disgusted by Surroundings
Consumed by Ignorance
A lusting of self destruction
Dominating states of mind
Realization is needed!
Fates intertwined
….. Self Annihilation
Nauseating Irony
Flourishing on Destruction
The tragedy, it’s deserved
as fair as it gets
destination?
Quite obvious
Yet we remaining happily oblivious
Once clarity takes hold
……. too late
Tragic
Deserved
Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Empty
she got it
like so many
or claimed to
darkness
silent to smoke
ending my life
methodically
intricately
…. slowley
the calls stopped
they call
some call
I can’t answer!
fear
of what?
Being saved
being loved
saved from my hell
how sick
once a child’s boast
now his cancer
those who know me
assumptions run rampant
…… yet wrong
I feel it growing
deep from within
won’t delve deeper
wont!!
those who know, know
Disgusted by Surroundings
Consumed by Ignorance
A lusting of self destruction
Dominating states of mind
Realization is needed!
Fates intertwined
….. Self Annihilation
Nauseating Irony
Flourishing on Destruction
The tragedy, it’s deserved
as fair as it gets
destination?
Quite obvious
Yet we remaining happily oblivious
Once clarity takes hold
……. too late
Tragic
Deserved
Disgusted by Surroundings
Consumed by Ignorance
A lusting of self destruction
Dominating states of mind
Realization is needed!
Fates intertwined
….. Self Annihilation
Nauseating Irony
Flourishing on Destruction
The tragedy, it’s deserved
as fair as it gets
destination?
Quite obvious
Yet we remaining happily oblivious
Once clarity takes hold
……. too late
Tragic
Deserved
Written by: Justin Ludwig November 14 2011.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Despair so malignant
doomed by those I love
Responsibility
Selfishness infiltrating
BLITZKRIEG!!!!!!
Inwardly overrunning an already exhausted defense
Breath labored
.. yet collected
Alternative means
merely seeking
..cryptic solace
Slower demise……
I don’t fucking know
I can’t take much…….more
I close my eyes
……waiting for the tide to come in
Wash me away……
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Gasping for life
silent battle
the dead of the end
the beginning again
the past screams
again and again
muted shouts fill life
self incarceration
Trapped
Stifling freedom constricts me
guilt
Shame
Labels too shallow
too much to indulge
simmering it seems
it seems
…waiting
for a cataclysmic event
but it passed
long long ago … even if yesterday
tomorrow
another yesterday
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Where’d she go?
Choking on my heart
would cut it out
Hand me the knife…..
….Wait
I believe it’s still in my back
guilt trips
Woes me
Fuck you
I only blame me
same as you
Rest easy
Don’t trip
Still punishing myself
Don’t need your help
Seriously…..
Why do you hate me so?
did all the love dissolve away ?
Producing a spiteful residue
If you recall
Though it seems you forgot
Loyalty
Love
pain
…….ME
If change was with ease
…..I wouldn’t have lost my one
I can’t help who I am
I tried for you
I failed.
…… you gotta set me free
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Gazing, the wreckage
its entirety
awestricking Sickening
amazing
how much I lost on my journey
…..to right here
bedrock is nowhere left to hide
the destruction
easily avoided
looking back
helpless
I’ve…
……stopped?
folding the fight
all remaining
reality checks
never ending
stifling
humbling
my journey
saved from myself
is just beginning
if……
Written by: Justin Ludwig December 9, 2011.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
A beauty entwined
So tightly there is no end or start
I’m drawn to the flame
So bright I lose direction
blinded most would stop
I fly faster
tumbling on all axises
Faster
searing pain
I do not falter
faster faster
the heat deteriorating me
I do not falter
Within my grasp
on empty
Burned, blind and agony
….silence
Darkness
I wake alone
Pain my certainty
Pride my solitary emotion
for my heart I followed
I can’t regret what I’ve done
because it can’t be undone
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Last call
Heard from the virgin ears of a lush.
Tomorrow
Somehow became today
what happened?
Defecation
on your dreams
your life
your goddamn soul
what happened?
fuck poetic phrases
I blew it
…..now I wallow
Not in pity
In hate
Self despair
it’s tough, no fronting
pointing the finger
… it’s always a suicidal finger
at least…..
at least
I punish myself
I blew it
…all of it
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Running Out of Chances
Soulless
Soulless!!
breath
I am dying too slow!!
…my mind’s going faster….
blap blap
that’s all I think
Always
ALWAYS!!
tragedy
I think not
I had all and every chance
I shit on it
oblivious
self deception
no more
Mary echos
“you won’t come back one of these times”
It’s terrifying
Real
Here
Do I quit
Fuck You, Never
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Gazing the wreckage
its entirety
awestricking Sickening
amazing
how much I lost on my journey
…..to right here
bedrock is nowhere left to hide
the destruction
easily avoided
looking back
helpless
I’ve…
……stopped?
folding the fight
all remaining
reality checks
never ending
stifling
humbling
my journey
saved from myself
is just beginning
if……
Written by: Justin Ludwig December 9,2011.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Consumed
Origin of current misery
Ignorance
Fueled by youth
curiosity commences
Enticing experimentation
Gradual escalation
Simply dismissed
Daily procrastination
Sudden loss of control
repercussions
—-
Self isolation and mutilation
Unimaginable decimation
aware yet powerless
Solution
grasp or release – Dwell or accept
change or die
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
07: Living Merely Memories
A time
A time before this
A distant memory
no longer reasonable
but a faded memory
they turn slowly
just for an instant
then vanish
only echoes in my head
how could they
why would they
wish it away
strange feeling
ashamed… humbled
despair
0f what some ask
my life gone wrong
what I call hell
for my kids
i must prevail
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Nothing Unanswered
hurts to breathe
to move is worse
like a victim of a curse
all alone
no way out
fuck it all I want to die
Problem is my kids would cry
then ask mommy why did daddy die
He was sick, she would sigh
That’s the reason I can’t die
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
: Unyieldingly Heartache
Uncertain
what’s to come
paralyzed in the past
when devil ran rampant
hurt those few
the ones I love
…..my eyes opened just in time to see everything slip away
I’ll never forget……
they drove away taking my heart with them
no one to blame except me……
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
: Blinding Hindsight
there was a time I had it all
now when I think, it makes me bawl
I had my dream
I pissed away
blind until it was too late
Now all I have is self hate
how can this have become my fate
she was the one
I let her slip
slip away
Frozen in time
….. in time I cannot forget the pain
that painful day
I had to watch her, drive away
Written by: Justin Ludwig between 1999-2012.
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
Delayed Sight Highlighting
Until it’s too late
we the few won’t see
why the things happen to me
All my gems were sold for free
Again And again
in a frantic search
for those to blame
a flash
Suddenly all I feel is shame
confused at first
Now I, we
the one to blame
My God….. its me
Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012
I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14
As soon as I come to
The familiar dance
Heavy dread
Instant review
The deafening silence
Awakening doubt
So overwhelming
….. I don’t dare cry out
What has changed, besides the day
…… Nothing
it’s just his way
Stirring the pot
Every chance
Every opportunity
Whispering so eerily
“No, He’s not”
You’re kidding yourself
I know who you are
They’ll all go away
I told you…..
so far
The suffocating reminder
The sickening fact
You’re all alone
You might as well turn back
First chance their given
One screw up you’ll do
Pack up your shit
I can’t deal with you.
Thoughts of these things, and so many more
Consuming my hope
Affecting my core
If I didn’t know better
I’d think it was me
Whispering the lie
Who are you kidding, you’ll never be free
A tear rolls down
Feelings of utter defeat
Until He reminds me, just trust Me
And then you’ll see
Justin Ludwig
Photo by: Google Images
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