Passion and Hate

There is a thin line between love and hate….

Love consumes, so does hate

hate festers

Love does also

They both birth joy, fear, hope, safety and protection…..rage.

…..what is the line?

If the mind distorted by hate sees an action as best for the other, then where is the line?

People like me tend to hurt the ones they love, so it isn’t a matter of caring….

What’s the line?

I bet each answer would be different.

I used to believe self sacrifice was the deciding factor…but I’d give my life to take the life of one I hated.

There is a word……a hybrid word that I feel is the only real answer…..passion.

The real question is, what is your passion and why? If we seek that question, perhaps then we will discover the line that is too thin to truly understand alone.

Be blessed and love well my friends

Love Never Fails

​Sometimes I feel like I may disappear….

Lost in the shuffle of the same papers since the fall

Accumulation…..

    gain and accomplishment

     again and again

Lost like a whisper in the wind

  Hypothetical memories torn and tattered 

  Like the faded memories on life support in a wallet

  Love…..

   It carries forward 

     A force that cannot be contained 

by the tangible or even the rational 

      …..it the darkness we cry

     In the darkness it screams 

     Love never fails

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

  

Silent Reminders

The darkness shouts at me
  do you remember?
….you remember
Tick tick tick
  Another day without you
Another day done
  It’s maddening
Time clicks and everyone adjusts
……but i don’t
 Covered by grace
    This stays raw
it’s renewed at every click
… I don’t know how to stop it
Perhaps I don’t want to
 they are mine
   I am theirs
tick tick tick
 I remember in the silence
   

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Shame, Heartbreak and Broken

Where’d she go!?
    choking on my heart
Frantic to remove it
 Where’s that knife?
Wait…
    I believe it’s still in my back

NO RELIEF!!!

….. guilt trips
     Woes me!?…..
          NO!!
       I only blame me, same as you
   Rest easy princess
Still punishing myself
Take solace in my devastation
    Your help isn’t needed
   ……do you hate me so?
 did all the love dissolve away?
      leaving only a spiteful residue
    Though it seems you forgot
         Loyalty
     pain
        ME…..
If change was with ease
   I wouldn’t have lost my All
    I can’t help who I am
    I tried for you….
I failed.         
……   you gotta set me free


Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

The Conflict

The conflict of what could have been

Many landmines missed

        many precious moments too

         So much anger

    So much love

   …..what could have been

the picture perfect idea tattered and faded

   Distant but always with me

It’s not her I miss, it’s the idea

      It’s not the idea I miss, It’s them

An outsider in every circle

    I….

 ….what could have been

this isn’t how it’s supposed to be

   this is how it had to be

It breaks my heart

  yet I am blessed

Written by: Justin Ludwig

A Father’s Visit

​Anticipation, anxiety, excitement 

  A whirlwind, so fast

….so slow

     It’s not like it was

how could it be

     Love overflowing

  Roaring like a river

Rocks of insecurity, regret and hurt cut the flow

…..the precious moments sting

   They are priceless through

In the blink of an eye

   Silence, distance…..waiting 

The love will always grow 

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

A Father’s Heart

​Awakened by my thoughts

   Thoughts of what’s in store

Do they miss me 

   Do they want me

      …..I can’t wait to hold them

So much to say…

   Ends up in babble

So much love…..

   My thoughts keep me awake

Do they know

   …..I do 

 It’s the little things

A quarter in this time is significant 

…..do they know I long for them

Hours until I see them

….. I am afraid 

   Afraid of them not knowing

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

Shackles of Yesterday 

​ …….selfish

 Consumed by a lifestyle obsession     

         Destroyed my heart

Suddenly 

    Morbid thoughts take hold 

        Futile escaping the pain 

    Indescribable aching of the soul   

                 Freedom

        sorely needed 

                Unlikely 

     Aware previously

                but blinded 

          Contradictions

         Desperate to forget 

   Unwilling 

       Move on!

  Impossible…..

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Echos of Past Sin

​Second hand experiences

  part time leader….

Echos of past sins

  Intensifies with each bounce 

  A blink…..their gone

Eternity in a moment 

…..so many moments

  Wondering 

     Worrying 

         Helpless 

…..reduced to a by standard 

   the love…..

The beauty replaced with pain

      And so the wheels spin

Spinning, spinning, spinning. 

  Intensification with each reverberation

   then a flash…

Echos cease

   Love abounds

        …….Love 

more than words could muster

    A moment captured 

         Treasured

Refusal to blink 

     Don’t blink!

It can’t end!

   then…. 

 Like a flash 

All too familiar tunnels

      Fears

         Aches of the soul

Echos…… constantly reminding

      Love…. forever driving

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

   

Love in the Darkness 

​Drowning in a sea of faces 

      Breathing 

           suffocating

              Merely surviving

  …… to what end!?

 one of a billion helpless souls 

            breath, fear, doomed 

        Resides 

  …….festers to the final breath 

      in the silence I welcome the end 

       My eyes close…..

   they open facing an angel 

    a million questions 

       She smiled

    all answered….

My savior 

    A million more…..

           …those can wait 

                   for I feel

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012 (Mel Inspiration #2B)

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

By Grace Alone

​Typical opening

  Laughing

     running

         ……doubt

Typical to the extent of understanding 

typical, becomes branded

   Transformed

Standard to a thumb

  Impressed on my character 

Toeing the line

    ….a flash 

 The dot suddenly in the distance

   Freedom to function 

Functionally dismantling 

Deafening silence…. obstructing the Truth

  Deeper deeper deeper 

Like gazelles 

     Once so free

         Rejoicing in ignorance

Basking in the illusion 

     one by one 

               they fell…..

  Blood stained reality

   Invisible to the sheltered 

     …horrors spoken

Experienced promise

     Monsters 

       …..the whispers 

If you have the ears, you know 

    Bedrock descends

deeper…… deeper 

  Weight is shed

     ….it’s so cold

Starving on only half the story

     Condemned 

          Helpless 

Lost

  Alone

        Confused 

Desperate!!!

  Acceptance…..

deeper and deeper 

      the chasm has no end 

Falling falling falling 

      the depths….

Where deep meets deep

  Sinking

      how far down will I fall 

Down down down 

….. Suddenly 

   Without recognition 

        Down became up! 

I don’t understand…..!

       What!?

            Why!?

                  Me!?

Faster I fall 

  Falling higher 

      Higher and higher

       Blinding light 

Fueling my ascent

Risen from the ashes

  by grace alone 

Written by: Justin Ludwig

That Moment

​Closest comparison 

  memories from my past

Youth nostalgia

    friction giving birth 

      Aware or not

 Reaction unseen 

       But undeniably felt 

Unexpected only once 

    It’s power never diminished

superficially a graze

 A slightest touch

   Creating it

      …..it

 futility but infinitely

       searching for the words

Those searching 

         never find

  The search a waste

         A true waste

   I’m overrun by it

      ……so fragile

       so amazing

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012 (Mel Inspired)

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

We’re Blessed, not Failures 

​At the feet of our Hero, we try hard to learn….. But the lessons are lost sometimes….. because we aren’t perfect……. but we’re blessed to know. Know that You are our Savior….. One I don’t deserve.

 I will always follow…. for where else shall I go. You are my Hero…… for You, my heart burns.

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

I Trust So I Wait 

What do I do

  What do I do?

     What! 

Frantic conflict

 Peaceful…… fear

   Terrified, but with hope 

Letting go …..

    I have to do something!

  ……”wait”

      Waiting

Accomplished only by the determined

  Attacks 

      Lies and pain

 Ensured so endured 

Truest test of faith

 …..waiting 

From my core …. I believe 

…. but he pain does not subside 

What do I do!

   Trust

I do, but……..

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

Over Them, I Weep 

​Time is just slipping away….

      Slipping….

Already gone

 In their beds…..where the rain falls often

       Far far away……

    …they grow 

       To my core I weep

I have my hope, but lost my heart 

       I weep….

Shadows of past sins 

  Some never leave

Lessons of vigilance constant

   Always there

 Pain…… sorrow

        I weep

 Sadness over the loss of the present 

       Far far away

Do they know my heart……

 I hope they know

Written by: Justin Ludwig 

Brokenness Inspires Hope

Brokenness is beautiful

Inspires hope

An embedded reluctance within

hiding the weakness in fear

dare I expose my truth?

  ….”no!”

     …”strength”!

 

 Compulsions emerge

Masks

Confidence

Smiles…..

     whitewashed leaders taking point

facades of perfection

Incarcerated in secret walls of shame and sin.

Brokenness is leadership

   Vulnerability

  Everyone is broken…..all alone

……..They must know!

          We are one

……. we struggle

Humility, vulnerability, brokeness

Righteousness, aside from Christ, does not give hope, brokenness does.

 

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong”2 Cor 12: 9-11

“Whenever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy. “Ps 28:13

“It is better to be humble in Spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud.” -Ps. 16:19

   “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.”Ps34:18

God desired authenticity, not an illusion of righteousness.  No matter what your head tells you, it is OK to hurt,  it is okay to doubt, and it’s  impossible not to fail. Share your trials and shortcomings with enthusiasm and I promise the authenticity of your heart will speak volumes more than playing it off like we got it all together or having all the perfect answers.

Keep your witnessing genuine and your love overflowing and watch the Spirit work! This right here is how we can make a difference in this broken world.

 

Written by: Justin Ludwig

Surrender 

​Greatest Enemy 

             oneself 

      sickening irony 

       Its one in the same 

           the problem 

             the solution 

        infuriating cycle 

               Halt the cycle!

       Reality, what is it

   Unbelievably painful 

         Life’s Deal

    Futile winning

      …… simply procrastinating

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Wandering 

​ Begin journey 

          an eternity ago

    fixed on a destination

          the only oasis  

              years I traveled 

          fixed on a point 

   this point I saw

Every night as slept 

          As I dreamt 

I felt mad 

        …….for it dreamed of me 

it was my purpose 

       To stand in my dream

 Basking in it with my waking eyes

            so I trudged on 

then night came

       I lost my way 

 unaware how

  Faith, dreams Drive

         Unchanged 

               So I continued

         on and on… confused, So long the dream began to change

         …… gone

 til it’s not

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Alone, I am Not

​Unexplainable bond 

    Shared by few 

     Fortunately 

  Appreciated presently 

    Skeptical Still 

  Bond or blood 

     A strong will 

    Suffers undeservingly 

       Wrong or right 

 Alone I’m not 

       Proven failure 

            Repetition  ensues  

 Seeing what is yet unseen 

    Faith 

     Support 

 Forgiveness 

   Deserved?

   …. Not a chance 

            Yet…..

 Remarkably 

 Previously seen in solitude 

       Emerges for some….yet

 Must be understood 

          Support’s the key 

 I hold the key I once shunned 

     A lone drive 

       Long awaited hope 

                Awakens in the depths 

  Differing for all 

          Personally 

   Abandonment of ignorance 

Construction been underway 

     To fill the void 

              Myself 

  …..Unimportant 

            Support never ending

      Awoke a dormant urge 

 A sudden awakening 

            Waste 

  No more 

     Tomorrow is lost 

 Voyage commences instantly 

             Bottom line

        Those never halting 

     Inspire something 

  Unfamiliar situation 

      Alone I’m not 

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Demons Within

​open uncertainty

 coarse

         direction?

quite the contrary

  simple outcome

         what!?

bowing to my demons

     ……they’re lurking       

    stagnant and many

thirsting, craving, lusting

   Famished for pain

 Chaos 

Self inflicted annihalation 

  …no reasoning

     motives unclear

delving into the abyss

shall I emerge victorious?

 …..I  am uncertain

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Trapped in the Cycle,  Desperate for Freedom 

Disgusted by Surroundings

         Consumed by Ignorance 

 A lusting of self destruction 

  Dominating states of mind 

         Realization is needed!

      Fates intertwined

       ….. Self Annihilation

    Nauseating Irony 

  Flourishing  on Destruction

     The tragedy,  it’s deserved

        as fair as it gets

   destination?

        Quite obvious

  Yet we remaining happily oblivious 

       Once clarity takes hold

            ……. too late

         Tragic 

               Deserved

Written by: Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Lost in Darkness 

​Empty

    she got it 

        like so many

or claimed to

    darkness

        silent to smoke

    ending my life

          methodically

    intricately

…. slowley

the calls stopped

        they call 

    some call

I can’t answer!

    fear

of what?

     Being saved

being loved

    saved from my hell

    how sick

once a child’s boast

    now his cancer

those who know me

  assumptions run rampant

…… yet wrong

I feel it growing

        deep from within

    won’t delve deeper

        wont!!

    those who know, know

Disgusted by Surroundings

         Consumed by Ignorance 

 A lusting of self destruction 

  Dominating states of mind 

         Realization is needed!

      Fates intertwined

       ….. Self Annihilation

    Nauseating Irony 

  Flourishing  on Destruction

     The tragedy,  it’s deserved

        as fair as it gets

   destination?

        Quite obvious

  Yet we remaining happily oblivious 

       Once clarity takes hold

            ……. too late

         Tragic 

               Deserved

  Disgusted by Surroundings

         Consumed by Ignorance 

 A lusting of self destruction 

  Dominating states of mind 

         Realization is needed!

      Fates intertwined

       ….. Self Annihilation

    Nauseating Irony 

  Flourishing  on Destruction

     The tragedy,  it’s deserved

        as fair as it gets

   destination?

        Quite obvious

  Yet we remaining happily oblivious 

       Once clarity takes hold

            ……. too late

         Tragic 

               Deserved

Written by: Justin Ludwig  November 14 2011.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

When Footholds Dominate 

Despair so malignant

          doomed by those I love

        Responsibility
Selfishness infiltrating

           BLITZKRIEG!!!!!!

Inwardly overrunning an already exhausted defense

Breath labored
.. yet collected

Alternative means
merely seeking
..cryptic solace
Slower demise……
I don’t fucking know
I can’t take much…….more

I close my eyes
……waiting for the tide to come in

Wash me away……


Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14


Drowning in Sin’s Cycle

​Gasping for life

    silent battle

    the dead of the end

         the beginning again

the past screams

    again and again

muted shouts fill life

     self incarceration

        Trapped

Stifling freedom constricts me

    guilt

        Shame

Labels too shallow

    too much to indulge

    simmering it seems

             it seems

    …waiting

        for a cataclysmic event

    but it passed

long long ago … even if yesterday

    tomorrow

        another yesterday


Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Lost Love

Where’d she go?

Choking on my heart

           would cut it out

Hand me the knife…..

              ….Wait

I believe it’s still in my back

 guilt trips

Woes me

                 Fuck you

I only blame me

    same as you

Rest easy

         Don’t trip

     Still punishing myself

Don’t need your help

Seriously…..

Why do you hate me so?

did all the love dissolve away ?

Producing a spiteful residue

   If you recall

Though it seems you forgot

      Loyalty

          Love

         pain

           …….ME

If change was with ease

…..I  wouldn’t have lost my one

I can’t help who I am

    I tried for you

I failed.

……   you gotta set me free

 

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Glance back, Gaze Forward 

Gazing, the wreckage

        its entirety       

awestricking   Sickening

  amazing

how much I lost on my journey

    …..to right here

bedrock is nowhere left to hide

      the destruction

      easily avoided

looking back

  helpless

  I’ve…

          ……stopped?

       folding the fight

          all remaining

reality checks

                 never ending

          stifling

humbling

my journey

saved from myself

is just beginning

       if……

  

Written by: Justin Ludwig December 9, 2011.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Entwined Beauty

A beauty entwined
   So tightly there is no end or start
        I’m drawn to the flame
So bright I lose direction
        blinded most would stop
        I fly faster
         tumbling on all axises
      Faster
  searing pain
        I  do not falter
             faster faster
the heat deteriorating me
      I do not falter
     Within my grasp
             on empty
  Burned, blind and agony
    ….silence
   Darkness
      I wake alone
Pain my certainty
    Pride my solitary emotion
  for my heart I followed
I can’t regret what I’ve done
  because it can’t be undone

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

What Happened

Last call
     Heard from the virgin ears of a lush.    
           Tomorrow
   Somehow became today
            what happened?
         Defecation
    on your dreams
       your life
         your goddamn soul
   what happened?
      fuck poetic phrases
          I blew it
   …..now I wallow
        Not in pity
          In hate
            Self despair
        it’s tough, no fronting
    pointing the finger
… it’s always a suicidal finger
     at least…..
           at least
   I punish myself
I blew it
     …all of it

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Running Out of Chances

Running Out of Chances

Soulless

       Soulless!!

           breath
I am dying too slow!!
     …my mind’s going faster….
blap blap
that’s  all I think
Always
               ALWAYS!!
tragedy
I think not
     I had all and every chance
I shit on it
oblivious
self deception
             no more
Mary echos
“you won’t come back one of these times”
It’s terrifying
     Real
          Here
Do I quit
Fuck You, Never

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Constant Review

  Gazing the wreckage
            its entirety      
awestricking      Sickening
   amazing
how much I lost on my journey
        …..to right here
bedrock is nowhere left to hide
          the destruction
          easily avoided
looking back
   helpless
      I’ve…
              ……stopped?
           folding the fight
              all remaining
     reality checks
                     never ending
              stifling
humbling
my journey
saved from myself
is just beginning
if……

  
Written by: Justin Ludwig December 9,2011.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Consumed

Consumed

Origin of current misery
        Ignorance
Fueled by youth
         curiosity commences
       Enticing  experimentation
Gradual escalation
      Simply dismissed
  Daily procrastination
      Sudden loss of control
             repercussions
               —-
Self isolation and mutilation
  Unimaginable  decimation
       aware yet powerless
       Solution
grasp or release – Dwell or accept
            change or die

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

07: Living Merely Memories

07: Living Merely Memories

A time
    A time before this
A distant memory
    no longer reasonable
but a faded memory
they turn slowly
just for an instant
    then vanish
only echoes in my head
how could they
    why would they
wish it away
strange feeling
    ashamed… humbled
despair
0f what some ask   
    my life gone wrong
what I call hell
for my kids
    i must prevail

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

:Nothing Unanswered

Nothing Unanswered

        hurts to breathe

to move is worse

             like a victim of a curse

all alone

no way out

            fuck it all I want to die

Problem is my kids would cry

then ask mommy why did daddy die

He was sick, she would sigh

That’s the reason I can’t die

 Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Unyieldingly Heartache

: Unyieldingly Heartache

Uncertain

        what’s to come

   paralyzed in the past

               when devil ran rampant

hurt those few

                          the ones I love

…..my eyes  opened just in time to see everything slip away

I’ll never forget……

              they  drove away taking my heart with them

         no one to blame except me……

 

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Blinding Hindsight

: Blinding Hindsight

there was a time I had it all

         now when I think, it makes me bawl

                          I had my dream

              I pissed away

              blind until it was too late

              Now all I have is self hate

              how can this have become my fate

                              she was the one

                               I let her slip

                                slip away

 Frozen in time

          ….. in time I cannot forget the pain

                          that painful day

I had to watch her, drive away

 

Written by: Justin Ludwig  between 1999-2012.

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

Delayed Sight Highlighting

    Delayed Sight Highlighting

Until it’s too late

           we the few won’t see

           why the things happen to me

All my gems were sold for free

Again And again

              in a frantic search

for those to blame

a flash

             Suddenly all I feel is shame

     confused at first

Now I, we

      the one to blame

              My God….. its me

 

Written by:  Justin Ludwig sometime between 1999-2012

I escaped my life of darkness, self destruction & addiction. Click here to read my story. http://wp.me/P7v0VX-14

 

 

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As soon as I come to
The familiar dance
Heavy  dread
Instant review
The deafening silence
Awakening doubt
So overwhelming
….. I don’t dare cry out
What has changed, besides the day
…… Nothing
it’s just his way
Stirring the pot
Every chance
Every opportunity
Whispering so eerily
“No, He’s not”
You’re kidding yourself
I know who you are
They’ll all go away
I told you…..
so far
The suffocating reminder
The sickening fact
You’re all alone
You might  as well turn back
First chance their given
One screw up you’ll do
Pack up your shit
I can’t deal with you.
Thoughts of these things, and so many more
Consuming my hope
Affecting my core
If I didn’t know better
I’d think it was me
Whispering the lie
Who are you kidding, you’ll never be free
A tear rolls down
Feelings of utter defeat
Until He reminds me, just trust Me
And then you’ll see

Justin Ludwig

 

Photo by: Google Images